I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
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My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Can’t, holding a grudge
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.