I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
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me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
New Tinder profile.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious