I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
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The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP