I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
i want to marry someone as funny as me. imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
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cashier: you guys ready?
my friend: nah we still looking
cashier: aight well we sell chicken and fries so
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Breakups is just a fancy name for what happens when men win arguments.
Black Mirror really outdid themselves this time. Having us experience season 6 instead of watching it on Netflix. Outstanding. 👏🏾
You can now take small knives with you on planes, but my 4oz bottle of mouth wash is dangerous. Got it!
Ignorance is only bliss until you wish you knew the answer
Sir, the breadsticks are limitless, not unlimited. You only get one but its potential as a breadstick knows no bounds.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.