@germanndasavage

i want to marry someone as funny as me. imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

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@weinerdog4life

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

@jadeamberf

at cane’s

cashier: you guys ready?
my friend: nah we still looking
cashier: aight well we sell chicken and fries so

@dumbbeezie

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

@xysist

Breakups is just a fancy name for what happens when men win arguments.

@jerichobetton

Black Mirror really outdid themselves this time. Having us experience season 6 instead of watching it on Netflix. Outstanding. 👏🏾

@TheMichaelRock

You can now take small knives with you on planes, but my 4oz bottle of mouth wash is dangerous. Got it!

@_Prozach74

Ignorance is only bliss until you wish you knew the answer

@ceejoyner

Sir, the breadsticks are limitless, not unlimited. You only get one but its potential as a breadstick knows no bounds.

@Sorrowscopes

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.