I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
You Might Also Like
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”