– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
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If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is