I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
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8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
sliding into dms like
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.