I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
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By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Finally, an explanation.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Finally a use for spoilers…
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.