there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
You Might Also Like
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Shoo shoo! 😂
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.