I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

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Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.


Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.


[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half


“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.


Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets


This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.


If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.


There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.


Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ?????? ??????