I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
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7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
incredible book dedication
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.