8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
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If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou