I want to pick up a hitchhiker before I die. Not like right before I die, but you know.

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Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder


*Watching YouTube videos*
Boss: What are you watching?
Me: ….
Boss: …
Me: Church?
Boss: That’s a dog on a unicycle.
Me: Praise The Lord!


Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.


COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*



[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything


“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*


Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food