@BlindChow: "I want to put a baby in you," I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
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@leshnevsky: Me: - Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty? Wife: - Because you're a pessimist, honey!
@cluedont: There's no point using Latin phrases if you don't understand what they mean, and vice versa.
@QwertyJones3: "See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today." -Oh really? Why? "Because I lost my tennis racquet."
@SteveRyanComedy: *Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch* Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy