“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
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Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”