I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
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captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!