I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

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me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*


Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.


Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn’t have a job.


Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.


Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.


If you want a Christmas card from me, message me your address and pray I die and get reincarnated as someone who gives a shit what you want.


A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby


Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.


Damn girl, are you alcohol? Because I’ve had too much of you and I’m going to throw up.