@NurseMurderer

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

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@CAshmanActor

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

@mstern68

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

@birbigs

Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn’t have a job.

@_wendyb07

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

@PajamaStew

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

@tigersgoroooar

If you want a Christmas card from me, message me your address and pray I die and get reincarnated as someone who gives a shit what you want.

@thinkcomedy

A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby

@Breadery

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

@dawny716

Damn girl, are you alcohol? Because I’ve had too much of you and I’m going to throw up.