@NewDadNotes

I want to quit my job but my boss keeps swiping left whenever I tinder my resignation

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@FlashShumway

Sorry man I cant come over. Im busy playing nunchucks
“Dont you mean playing WITH nunchucks?”
No?
*tosses another nun off the overpass*

@lilgapeach30

Girls. Don’t get upset if your twitter crush stars a really hot girl or even retweets her cause she is prolly really a dude. Stay calm.

@PretendMaker

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too

@StevieKnip

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

@ThisOneSayz

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

@sip_at_home_mom

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

@DanaSchwartzzz

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

@TheBoydP

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

@david8hughes

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

@dubiousrhetoric

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.