Sorry man I cant come over. Im busy playing nunchucks
“Dont you mean playing WITH nunchucks?”
*tosses another nun off the overpass*
I want to quit my job but my boss keeps swiping left whenever I tinder my resignation
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Girls. Don’t get upset if your twitter crush stars a really hot girl or even retweets her cause she is prolly really a dude. Stay calm.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
“Please hold for the president.”
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.