if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
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These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.