Follow your dream, then Unfollow it if it doesn’t Follow you back within 48 hours.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
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Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
The ocean isn’t shark-infested. It’s the ocean. That’s where sharks live. We aren’t supposed to be there. Humans infest the ocean.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing