I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
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Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?