@_Tempo11

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

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@hiplingo

Follow your dream, then Unfollow it if it doesn’t Follow you back within 48 hours.

@jenyb4

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

@RealLucasNeff

The ocean isn’t shark-infested. It’s the ocean. That’s where sharks live. We aren’t supposed to be there. Humans infest the ocean.

@Uncul_Scientist

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

@mas6228

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

@WigCannon

Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing

@shesananteater

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

@canadasandra

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

@Ristolable

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing