I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

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Follow your dream, then Unfollow it if it doesn’t Follow you back within 48 hours.


Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer


The ocean isn’t shark-infested. It’s the ocean. That’s where sharks live. We aren’t supposed to be there. Humans infest the ocean.


I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.


To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now


Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing


My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.


what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”


Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing