can u cough for me please?
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.
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Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
If Billy Joel wrote “We Didn’t Start the Fire” today, it would be 2 hours.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.