@samalmightysam

”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.

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@fabulouscop

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

@girlontapas

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

@Reverend_Scott

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

@TheMcBang

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

@ellewasamistake

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

@TheHatdog

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

@kumailn

If Billy Joel wrote “We Didn’t Start the Fire” today, it would be 2 hours.

@samdunsiger

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.