My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
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The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.