@samalmightysam

”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.

You Might Also Like

@mommajessiec

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

@meganamram

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

@_goaskyourdad_

Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”

@electrolemon

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

@kwirkyKerri

I’ve never been offered money for sex. Never been offered money to not have sex either. So there’s that.

@online_shawn

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

@dshack8

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

@ddsmidt

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.