”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.

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[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
again please
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough


Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.


I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.


All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.



South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up


eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading


Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*


If Billy Joel wrote “We Didn’t Start the Fire” today, it would be 2 hours.


Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.