@mattgallo123

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

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@bea_ker

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

@LMHPhotog

Teach a fish to catch a MAN, and you’ve got a blockbuster horror movie idea under your belt.

@SICKOFWOLVES

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

@2sassymom

Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone.
Available at all times.

Unless his wife’s around.

@Social_Mime

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

@Kendragarden

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

@robin_991

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

@SvnSxty

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

@Jacksawyerr

Sorry I dropped your baby and tried to catch it with my foot.

@rachj0919

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on