I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
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My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
The asteroid..
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments