“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
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ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Velcrow
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.