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@better_off_dad: ‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
@ramblinma: Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Me: That's a lie. I'm sorry, I can't do this.
@SkinnerSteven: You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
@NicestHippo: WIFE: I can't take it anymore. Your incorrect use of idioms is tearing us apart!
ME [taking her hand]: Cat got your tongue?
@ThePaaawnShop: Her: I <3 you.
Me: I... I sideways balls you too.
@SemraDurmisevic: my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i'm at work: where are u