‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

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All 8 of my kids: daddy why are u crying


I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.


Violently swerving ur car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesnt work like it does with humans. Just in case u need to know.


TJ Maxx cashier: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

*Me unloading full cart*

First of all, I wasn’t looking for any of this


[Walking into a Mayo Clinic with a Club Sandwich]

Me: This is not what I expected.


I got a dog and named it “Twenty Miles”. This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.


I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.


Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?


[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.


How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test