@better_off_dad2

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

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@RoosterMustache

[enter password]

mypulloutgame

[password weak]

All 8 of my kids: daddy why are u crying

@TomSchally

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

@SarahR_82

Violently swerving ur car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesnt work like it does with humans. Just in case u need to know.

@madswill_

TJ Maxx cashier: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

*Me unloading full cart*

First of all, I wasn’t looking for any of this

@TheRealPalMal

[Walking into a Mayo Clinic with a Club Sandwich]

Me: This is not what I expected.

@iGreenMonk

I got a dog and named it “Twenty Miles”. This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.

@junejuly12

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

@jimmytorosian

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

@CerebralWreck

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

@meganamram

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test