[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
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“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
How does one answer this?
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
#parenting
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.