I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
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Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Easy enough.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
These work great until they don’t.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!