My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
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KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
“Hey look, there’s a deer frolicking in the woods over there!”
Deer: What the hell did you say I was doing?
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like