I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
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I’m calling the cops.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.