“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
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[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
nyc:
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that