Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
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gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.