I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

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Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted


Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.


Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.


Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……


“Oh yeah? Define obsessed,” I demand, as I pull my shirt back down to cover the tattoo of your face on my stomach


*Jesus drinking at a bar*
*jesus orders another drink*
“jesus you’re too drunk I can’t give you anymore”
Kan I jst haev a water?
“nice try”


I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.


I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.


The guy at the urinal next to me doesn’t appreciate my theories on “Game of Thrones”.