I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
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I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.