I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
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My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.