I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
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I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade