Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
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Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Finally, a door that understands me
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.