Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
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Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Can Happiness buy money?
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
This has made my week.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.