I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
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Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year