@dmc1138

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

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@mikeleffingwell

It’s weird how after they couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King’s men were like “Let’s give the horses a shot at it”

@iamburtjarvis

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

@awkwardwit

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

@krisv_723

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

@flashember

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

@MartaEffing

I know you’ve been here. I can smell you, still taste you on my lips. I crave more, but it’s over now. Also, you’re a donut. And I ate you.

@iinkedZombie

It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.

@okimstillhungry

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

@kaichoyce

The Rock announced that he, his wife, and their 2 daughters have recovered from Covid. They first suspected they had it when no one could smell what he was cooking.