In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
You Might Also Like
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class