100% legal to pay a kid to punch another kid in the face.
“I want you back in my arms…”
– me, drowsily, to the bag of blood hanging beside the donation bed
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Seriously how much of Krypton fell to earth and how do bad guys keep finding it? You’re Superman, handle your shit. This ain’t a game, dawg.
[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.