“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
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[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year