*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
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Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
*googles murder tips
*adds “asking for a friend” at the end of each search
They won’t be able to prove a thing!
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
White people be callin their grandparents peepee and poopoo
Teach your children about rejection by getting them a cat
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check