“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
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10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
nice challenge
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Every time.
We all have our pet causes.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*