@CantWaitToNap

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

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@brynnester

[Flight]
Cabin Crew: The pilot & co are dead. Is there anyone on board who can fly the plane?
Harrison Ford: I can
CC: Anyone else at all?

@Brianhopecomedy

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

@T_Bonezzz_

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

@stinky_blinders

Me: If you love them, let them go

*releases third child into nearby forest preserve*

@AmericanGent69

Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME

@MiddleageM

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

@5hael

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

@kumailn

If Billy Joel wrote “We Didn’t Start the Fire” today, it would be 2 hours.

@TheDairylandDon

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

@Dawn_M_

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.