@CantWaitToNap

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

You Might Also Like

@Jesssicle

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

@PleaseBeGneiss

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

@nursemella

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

@TeaPainUSA

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

@ThaJawn

*googles murder tips

*adds “asking for a friend” at the end of each search

They won’t be able to prove a thing!

*evil cackles

@joeldanger

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

@aka_fatman

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

@avaxnj

White people be callin their grandparents peepee and poopoo

@daplusk

Teach your children about rejection by getting them a cat

@perlhack

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check