“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

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*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”


Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not


I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat


If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.


*googles murder tips

*adds “asking for a friend” at the end of each search

They won’t be able to prove a thing!

*evil cackles


Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.


President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.


White people be callin their grandparents peepee and poopoo


Teach your children about rejection by getting them a cat


[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check