@CantWaitToNap: “I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
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@PleaseBeGneiss: [first day as Uber driver] ME: *weaving through traffic* PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
@SoVeryBritish: How to answer the door: 1. See person has arrived 2. Wait for doorbell 3. Count to five 4. Open and act surprised
@tweetsauce: This is ridiculous: "www" contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is 'short' for, "world wide web."
@Staggfilms: GOOGLE: *please create password* ME: *Giraffe_Neck* GOOGLE: *password is too long* ME: *The_Revenant* GOOGLE: *password is too long* ME: *CVS_receipt* GOOGLE: *dude*