“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
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I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Thursday
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.