if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
You Might Also Like
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Her: I like your facial hair
Me: I like YOUR facial hair
(FLIRTING IS HARD)
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I was asked to name my top 10 most favorite books.
I don’t have 10 so I just started naming insects.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.