I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
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Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂