I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
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Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.