I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

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Fun game: Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours.


Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.


A disturbed lecturer


INTERVIEWER: do u have any weaknesses
VIDEO GAME BOSS: [strugling to cover glowing weak spots all over body] UM


[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah


me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see


I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.


Me: [crouching next to my friend] man, some of these guys take paintball so seriously

Log We Are Hiding Behind: freeze


Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained


A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.


They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years