I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
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Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
They’re really bad with fonts.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.