Dating is hard because guys are like “You’re hot, can we do butt stuff yet?” and girls are like “It’s been 3 days, where’s my ring?”
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
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Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
“Hey, quick question” ~ A coworker who’s about to give you a week’s worth of work
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”