I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
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Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Hey I worked for it too!
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I love wikipedia
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.