i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
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Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.