I don’t know if what I saw silently stalking me in the woods was really Krampus or just another demonic goat creature, but I’m definitely in the holiday spirit now.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
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FIRMS YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF OFFERING SERVICES YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND AT PRICES THEY REFUSE TO DISCUSS.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
friend: make everything about her
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
friend: how do u meet girls
me: I find the hottest grandma at the nursing home
me: I wait for her granddaughter to visit
friend: haha clever
me: then ask if her grandma is single
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.