@2tickytacky

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

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@BlindChow

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

@MikeOdenthal

Think about how many variations of apple there would be had they not mercy-killed the pineapple guy before he could name more fruits

@Beanpudd

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

@TheMichaelRock

If you draw a picture of a butthole on the questionnaire, there’s a 95% chance you’ll get out of jury duty.

Would be 100%. But, Texas.

@tiemoose

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

@hippieswordfish

*sees red lobster commercial*
oh shit that looks good
*goes to red lobster*
what the absolute hell happened in here

@BlindChow

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

@donni

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

@justabloodygame

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.