I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
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Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is