I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
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Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.