@iGreenGod

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

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@McSwtrvst

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

@NotThatKevin

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

@patrickhogan91

22 y.o. male seeks woman who will kill spiders for him. Will do sex if required, but mostly please kill spiders

@threetimedaddy

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

@themafinch

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

@TheBeerGuy73

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

@moooooog35

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

@guyrleech

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣