I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
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The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet