I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
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Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.