I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

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I like to think that when Homer Simpson suffers from erectile dysfunction, he chokes his wiener and yells “Why you little!!!!!”


I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!


She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.


Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more


Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.


Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.


My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.

Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.


[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!


So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.