Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
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Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
My Grandpa used to gather us around to tell us stories about surviving World War Two.
My dad just gathered us around to watch a YouTube clip of an Asian child playing “Africa” by Toto on a rubber chicken.
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again