@jenspyra

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

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@Ivsy01

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

@amitjain1002

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

@ArfMeasures

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

@KatieKatCubs

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

@IamEveryDayPpl

“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.

@thenatewolf

My Grandpa used to gather us around to tell us stories about surviving World War Two.

My dad just gathered us around to watch a YouTube clip of an Asian child playing “Africa” by Toto on a rubber chicken.

@daemonic3

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

@daddydoubts

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again