I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
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My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
The two types of wives
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse