I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
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Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again