Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

That’s no pocket rocket.

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.