I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
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My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.